Why am I so depressed?
I've realised in the past days that I am really depressed. Like to the point I need to go see someone and sit on the couch and hash it out.
I'm not happy with my life right now. My work situation is bleak. I have a pretty good sense of job security at the moment, but it's just a miserable existence at work right now. I work in a call center, basically. It didn't start out as such, but has evolved into this...dreadful place. I find it hard to summon the strength to go in every day. We're not very busy right now. My group answers phone calls as well as working tickets, and both are scarce. So most of my day is spent trying to find something to do. To add to that, our manager laid down some rules: no non-business internet access from our desks, no personal email use, no personal phone calls, no cell phone usage during our shift(including text messaging or mobile web use), no books or magazines. We're also not supposed to stand up at our desks. Additionally, if we log out of the queue to go to the restroom, it's basically being timed. We are at risk of getting written up if we a) have too many restroom breaks or b) spend too much time off the phone when we do log out. We've also switched to a new call monitoring system that records every call, and also allows anyone in management within the company to view our desktop at any time while we are logged into the queue. We've had 2 managers for the last 10 months or so. One that has handled the "customer service/call center" aspect of things, and another that dealt with the more technical aspect of our jobs. The customer service manager is moving to another group, and we have a new manager starting on Monday, who I still haven't met. I also learned in this last week that the technical side manager is moving to another group and will not be replaced. Our group is expanding in the next couple of months, and will be hiring 2 additional supervisors. I applied for this position. In light of recent events, I don't think I'm going to get either position. Another call center group is being downsized, and that group has to either find positions elsewhere in our company by 31 December or be laid off. There are 4 supervisors in that group, and I think that they all applied for the positions in my department. Knowing the way my company works, they would rather hire someone with previous supervisory experience who knows nothing about the daily operations of a department than to promote from within the department, at least in the call center groups. That's really the big thing that's been eating at me. I've applied for other positions, and have even had some interviews, but no luck. I don't really want to leave the company entirely, since I'm just a few months away from being vested and getting to keep all my profit sharing and pension. It's not a whole lot of money, but it's worth sticking it out for a couple more months.
Additionally, I'm frustrated about my social life, or rather, lack of one. I think I mentioned in another post that all of my close friends have moved away. I have 2 good friends in town that I will go do things with from time to time. They're both male, and one happens to be my ex-boyfriend. I have some sorority sisters that live around here, but I've drifted apart from them since I haven't been in school, and really don't feel as close to them as I once did. I have friends at work, but we really don't hang around in the same social circles outside of work, and a lot of the people I work with are either single or don't have children and don't understand that I can't decide in the middle of the day to go out drinking with them after work.
On the positive side, my relationship with Julian is great. No complaints there. I have a wonderful son. Knowing that I'm going to see the two of them in the afternoon is a large part me being able to endure the endless work days.
Maybe this new manager will be different, make things a little more tolerable. Have I mentioned that I absolutely abhor micro-management? I just keep applying for other jobs that open that sound interesting, and for which I'm even remotely qualified. And then, if all my plans work out, in about a year, I'm not even going to be here. I'll be in Argentina, starting over. My son will finally get to see his other set of grandparents. My husband will see his parents for the first time in over 5 years. I'll get to meet his parents for the first time. I'll finally be able to see where he grew up, and hopefully get more insight into why he is the way he is. He's had that here since he arrived. It's my turn now.
I'm not happy with my life right now. My work situation is bleak. I have a pretty good sense of job security at the moment, but it's just a miserable existence at work right now. I work in a call center, basically. It didn't start out as such, but has evolved into this...dreadful place. I find it hard to summon the strength to go in every day. We're not very busy right now. My group answers phone calls as well as working tickets, and both are scarce. So most of my day is spent trying to find something to do. To add to that, our manager laid down some rules: no non-business internet access from our desks, no personal email use, no personal phone calls, no cell phone usage during our shift(including text messaging or mobile web use), no books or magazines. We're also not supposed to stand up at our desks. Additionally, if we log out of the queue to go to the restroom, it's basically being timed. We are at risk of getting written up if we a) have too many restroom breaks or b) spend too much time off the phone when we do log out. We've also switched to a new call monitoring system that records every call, and also allows anyone in management within the company to view our desktop at any time while we are logged into the queue. We've had 2 managers for the last 10 months or so. One that has handled the "customer service/call center" aspect of things, and another that dealt with the more technical aspect of our jobs. The customer service manager is moving to another group, and we have a new manager starting on Monday, who I still haven't met. I also learned in this last week that the technical side manager is moving to another group and will not be replaced. Our group is expanding in the next couple of months, and will be hiring 2 additional supervisors. I applied for this position. In light of recent events, I don't think I'm going to get either position. Another call center group is being downsized, and that group has to either find positions elsewhere in our company by 31 December or be laid off. There are 4 supervisors in that group, and I think that they all applied for the positions in my department. Knowing the way my company works, they would rather hire someone with previous supervisory experience who knows nothing about the daily operations of a department than to promote from within the department, at least in the call center groups. That's really the big thing that's been eating at me. I've applied for other positions, and have even had some interviews, but no luck. I don't really want to leave the company entirely, since I'm just a few months away from being vested and getting to keep all my profit sharing and pension. It's not a whole lot of money, but it's worth sticking it out for a couple more months.
Additionally, I'm frustrated about my social life, or rather, lack of one. I think I mentioned in another post that all of my close friends have moved away. I have 2 good friends in town that I will go do things with from time to time. They're both male, and one happens to be my ex-boyfriend. I have some sorority sisters that live around here, but I've drifted apart from them since I haven't been in school, and really don't feel as close to them as I once did. I have friends at work, but we really don't hang around in the same social circles outside of work, and a lot of the people I work with are either single or don't have children and don't understand that I can't decide in the middle of the day to go out drinking with them after work.
On the positive side, my relationship with Julian is great. No complaints there. I have a wonderful son. Knowing that I'm going to see the two of them in the afternoon is a large part me being able to endure the endless work days.
Maybe this new manager will be different, make things a little more tolerable. Have I mentioned that I absolutely abhor micro-management? I just keep applying for other jobs that open that sound interesting, and for which I'm even remotely qualified. And then, if all my plans work out, in about a year, I'm not even going to be here. I'll be in Argentina, starting over. My son will finally get to see his other set of grandparents. My husband will see his parents for the first time in over 5 years. I'll get to meet his parents for the first time. I'll finally be able to see where he grew up, and hopefully get more insight into why he is the way he is. He's had that here since he arrived. It's my turn now.
posted by carrie at 12/12/2004 12:10:00 a.m.
6 Comments:
Machines...that pretty much sums it up. At least I am not in the actual customer service department, where in addition to all the other crappy rules, they have a talk time/calls per hour stat they must meet, as well as a monthly revenue goal.
I also had a talk with Julian today, in which I told him that I was thinking about cashing in my 401(k) after I'm completely vested to free some or all of the money up for our trip. He told me that we would need much more money than that. He wants to have a cushion of several months worth of living expenses saved up in case it takes some time for us to find jobs. I don't remember who or where I've told this, but he said that in order for him to consider moving back there, that we need to have $1 million, plus or minus 25%. So based on this, I need to have $750K before we'll move...or even seriously consider it. If I had that much money, do you think I'd be staying at this job that I hate only to get vested in a company for a few thousand dollars extra? I was doing some computation, and discovered that I could have that much money if Julian and I both got our salaries with no taxes or other deductions, paid no bills, bought NOTHING, and put the money aside for 15 years. Of course I'm not factoring in interest rates. But you get the point. If I have to wait on something like that, we'll never go. He's frustrated with me because he doesn't feel that I have enough of a plan. He said something yesterday about my attitude bothering him, that it seemed to him that I decided I wanted to go no matter what, fuck everything else. He said that he doesn't have a problem with moving there, and that if it were just the two of us, that sure, he would pack up and go. He's worried since we have Enzo. He repeated several times that he would not move there if it was going to be worse than here and he would not let his family suffer. That's fine. I'm glad that he feels that way. He mentioned finding jobs and housing. I told him that I had done some looking, but that it was really too early to look seriously. Even if I found a job or an apartment right now, they would probably pee in their pants from laughing so hard after I tell them that I need to hold the position or the apartment for about a year, since that's when we'll actually be moving. After I explained that to him, he seemed a little more okay. I told him that yes, I had decided what I want to do, and although it may seem on the outside to be something that I didn't think out or that I'm not preparing for, that I'm doing everything that I can now to try to prepare. One of those things is figuring out the monetary side of this move. How much money will we really need, and where will it come from? Another is getting passports for everyone. Mine expired, and I have to renew in person. Enzo's never had one. Julian's is also expired.
I'm not too worried about making friends there. I know that Julian has some friends still there. Some of his friends have moved away, to Spain and to the US, but there are still people there he knows. Not to mention his parents.
I can drink with the kid? I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal here, except for the drunk driving issue.
Sorry this turned into such a huge post. I have a lot on my mind.
I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time at the moment...It sucks begin depressed, I have been there.
I can't imagine your working conditions. I wouldn't be able to handle it. YOU CAN"T STAND UP??? What kind of craziness is that? I am not too sure what it means to be "vested", but it sounds like you would lose all the money you have put into a retirement plan if you leave before a certain number of years/months of service? Is that correct? If that is the case, I suppose you may be able to muster up the fortitude to stick with it a couple more months..but I definitely support the idea of looking for work elsewhere.
As for the friends thing, I so know how you feel. Having no social life outside of work is depressing...What about playgroups for Enzo? Have you been able to meet anybody there?
1 million American dollars to move to Argentina?? I am sorry Julian, but that sounds a bit excessive. Sure it is always good to have some sort of monetary cushion, but I think that is over the top...In fact, as I read that I started thinking to myself that Julian really doesn't want to move there but doesn't know how to tell you. Of course, I don't know Julian, and I know even less about the economic situation in BA or Argentina, so take my opinion for what it is worth. :)
I sure hope things look up for you soon...sending you big cyberhugs over here!
Katrina -- thanks for the encouragement. I know it'll get better eventually, or at least I sure hope it does. I have a week of vacation coming at the end of the year, so I'll have some time away from work, and maybe that'll help some. Or maybe it'll just make it even harder to go to work than it already is. Anyway, I'll be vacationing away here at home from 25 December until 3 January. I'm taking this Friday off, so I'll have a nice 3-day weekend. So 9 workdays until vacation.
And about being vested...no matter when you leave you keep what you've contributed to your 401(k) for retirement. But until you've been there for 5 years, you don't get to keep what the company has contributed in profit sharing or to the pension program. And it's an all or nothing thing, it's not as if the percentage you can take rises each year. If you haven't been there for the 5 year time period, forget about that other money. My official 5 year anniversary with the company is in August, but I think I'll be fully vested prior to that, since they figure in overtime worked when computing the total hours that you've worked and how many years/months that comes out to.
I have to admit that I felt the same way about the $1 million when he said it. He says that he'd like to move there, and I understand his concerns about making sure that the family is taken care of. But I must agree that it does seem excessive, especially when you look at it in the light that the amount is more than what we bring home on our paychecks over a 15 year period, assuming no raises or deductions. Another thing is that Julian has told me that there are people in BA living on $400 or $500 a month. I'm not sure if this is a family or an individual, but even assuming $500/person for our family, that's $18,000 a year. If we arrived there with $750K, that would last us over 40 years, assuming that we never got jobs. He says that we need enough to cover our monthly expenses for several months in case it takes time to find jobs. Several months of expenses do not add up to $750K, unless maybe you're Jennifer Lopez, and then that's one shopping trip. I don't know if he's just trying to illustrate a point or what. It doesn't add up.
Okay, well he and I had a little bit of a chat this afternoon about this topic. Here's the deal: he gave me that exorbitant figure for 2 reasons according to him. One, that I would realise the amount of money we'd need to have available to move there and get settled in. Two, that he was hoping that I might actually somehow come up with that sum of money. Yeah, right.
Anyway, the deal is that if at least one of us has an okay job lined up before we move, then we don't really need that large of a buffer. Enough to cover expenses to get there and furnish an apartment and live for a week or two until we get paid again. The other scenario is that he's able to publish the book that he's finishing, gets a pretty good advance on it, and we move. But he says that if neither of the above happen, that he wants to have at least $100K. He says that he wants 5 years worth of living expenses in the bank because he's afraid that it will take that long to find jobs.
Sooo...we need to either find jobs or get his book published. Otherwise, I can't come up with $100K in a year unless I do something illegal. And I don't want to go down that road.
Arrrgh....you said ya'll. :P
Well, where is Julian from? He and his parents lived on Rivadavia in Flores when he moved here. After he left there, his parents sold their apartment and then moved into an apartment above the farmacia they owned in La Boca. They have since sold the pharmacy and are now living with some friends. I don't know exactly where, I got a postcard from his mother with the River Plate stadium and she had indicated off to the side where they are living now. To be totally honest, I don't know what neighbourhood they're in now. I do, however, know that we would not be able to live with them, unless we get a large enough apartment and have them move in to live with us.
I think for Julian, that part of the reason he wants as much money as he does if we don't already have jobs is that he's seen his parents go from comfortably middle-class to not owning anything and moving in with friends to cut costs. Part of that is the economy there, I'm sure. Part of that is also that they paid for him to come here, and helped us out with expenses the first year he was here since he was unable to work.
I'm in a position that I want to do what I can to help his family. I had suggested at one point bringing them here with us, but I don't think they want to relocate. They're older -- by the way his dad is the same age my dad would be, and his mom is the same age as my mom. How weird is that? Sooo...part of my plan in moving there is to try to get a large enough apartment that we could have them move in with us if they want. They would be able to help out somewhat with expenses. I think Enzo would love all the attention.
But we'll see. Gotta give time to time.
said- that i would like to tell you all every things gonna be okay but i honestly can't cuz i went to rehab for cutting and i came back the same way left i don't wanna die i juss wanna live or and be someone eles!!!!
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