I am such a pack-rat

I save things...important things, unimportant things. It doesn't matter to me. They get put in a file, put in a box, tucked away for me to find later and wonder why I saved them.

Which brings me to email. I have an email account that I have maintained for years. I really don't use it anymore, since I get over 200 emails there each week, all spam. But I do have some email correspondence between Julian and myself from before we actually physically met each other.

Here's a sample from 28 February 1999 (5 months to the day before we got married, if you care):

> I love you so much...and miss you.
>
> carrie
>

Well... that was so nice... (at least it sounded so nice in my head, with your voice)... to top that, I'd say that I love you so much and that these last months have been so good for me (thanks to you) that sometimes I think if I'm not just dreaming it or something.

Looking at the big picture, we don't know each other since a "long" time.... and only time will verify or not what I think now.... And what I think now is that I was lucky enough (luck ? fate?) to meet a woman so unbelievable beautiful and wonderful (in every sense) as you. You fill my heart, you fill my thoughts, you fill my dreams and I just can't wait you to fill my life. There's this big hole in me and I know it'll only be filled once I have you in my arms, once I kiss you lips, once I smell your hair, once I get lost in your eyes....

And I know time. And time will say "yes" to all that. I've crossed the point of no-return a long ago... I know life will be unbearable without you... and I really can't know what kind of life I'd have without you... but I don't like that life at all. It won't be life... it'd be just a sucession of days after days after days with no love, and no meaning at all.

You've given me a lot of things... and amongst them, you've given me a goal. My goal is to get to you and share my love with you no matter what. Time will pass, and other goals might be set upon me... but that's the force that's driving me now... you're that force and you're just too much to escape.

And I know that if we'd be together I wouldn't need to say all that... just a kiss would do.... but that's the best I can do to express how I feel inside right now, why I do what I do and why I love you like I do.

And finally (you must be half slept after reading all this :)), if you want a confession, when I first started writing these paragraphs, I wanted to tell you something but I refrained myself from doing it because I thought you'd think that it could be too much or something... but I need to tell it because it's the truth, it's what I feel and I've always been honest to you: I love you more than myself. I love you more than life itself and life with you is no life at all. Thanks for your love and for being how you are... perfect.

Love you.

PS : (needing you badly tonight...)

Isn't that nice? I found it so hard to explain to people that I could be in love with someone I had never met. Almost from the beginning, we just clicked. It was as if we were meant to meet each other. I know it sounds sappy, He mentions the point of no return -- I think for both of us, that when we met (online) initially and started talking and learning about each other, that we kind of knew where things were headed. I had never done anything like that before, but I was so sure of myself, so sure of what I was doing.

And here we are, married over 5 years, with a wonderful son. I wouldn't change anything.