On moving
My husband brought something up earlier that I hadn't really considered. He's worried that when I tell my family that we're moving to Argentina, that they'll think it's all his idea and that he basically brainwashed me into going along.
I assured him that if they voiced any concern as to the origin of the idea, that I would tell them that I played a large role in the decision. It was basically my decision, and he is willing to move wherever to make me happy.
But should it make a difference what my parents/family think? Whether it's about the move itself or whose idea it was, it's my business. I can almost guarantee that they'll freak out. After all, these are the people who called a "family meeting" after I announced my plans to marry Julian, and proceeded to grill me about his intentions and my intentions. They were convinced that he was only marrying me to get into the US. I also got lectured on the fact that if we had children together they would not be white. I don't know what genetic miracle they were expecting, since Julian is basically European, by way of Argentina. I could not convince them that we wanted to marry because we loved each other and wanted to be together. It didn't matter where we were physically.
One thing that bothered me about that whole ordeal was that they kept saying that I hadn't known him long enough to be sure things would work out and they thought we should wait. On the other hand, my sister met her husband in April, I believe, and they were married in July. But that's fine, since he was a local guy and obviously white.
After all the years that I've been married to Julian, over 5 now, things are still strained between him and my parents. He's not entirely comfortable with them and vice-versa. Part of it is no common interests. The men in my family are, for the most part, interested in hunting and fishing and American football. These are things that Julian either knows little or nothing about or could care less about. So at family gatherings when the guys start talking about hunting or who won the game, Julian is not a part of those conversations.
Another thing -- this may just be my perception, but it seems that my mom has avoided coming to my apartment since I've been married. A little background: at one point in the past, I moved in with my then-boyfriend. We lived together for roughly 6 months before deciding that it wasn't working and both moving back home. My parents came over at least once during that 6-month period for dinner. In the 5 years of my marriage to Julian, although I've invited them over, they haven't come. The only times I can think of that either of them were here is: when we were moving in and needed help since I was pregnant, around Enzo's birth, Enzo's birthday parties, and one other afternoon.
All along, we've received more support from Julian's family in another country than from my own who are less than 20 miles away. That frustrates me, but it also makes me sad. I feel somewhat alienated from the rest of my family. They're all content here as part of the herd, maintaining the status quo, but I want more.
The other thing is the age gap between my sister and myself. She's 13 years older than me. Her oldest daughter will graduate from high school this May. I'm hoping my son will graduate to using the potty full time by that point. We're at totally different points in our lives. She's been married for over 20 years, owns her own business, has 2 practically grown daughters. I'm really just starting out. And the constant comparisons by my mother don't help, either. "You know, when Bev was your age..."
So to sum it all up: I want to move. I'm at the point that I don't care what my family thinks. They've been about as unsupportive of my marriage as one can be without picketing my front door. At least they didn't object at our wedding. I can honestly say that I think I will miss my friends more than my family. It shouldn't be that way, but I feel that I've been rejected for being different from them.
I assured him that if they voiced any concern as to the origin of the idea, that I would tell them that I played a large role in the decision. It was basically my decision, and he is willing to move wherever to make me happy.
But should it make a difference what my parents/family think? Whether it's about the move itself or whose idea it was, it's my business. I can almost guarantee that they'll freak out. After all, these are the people who called a "family meeting" after I announced my plans to marry Julian, and proceeded to grill me about his intentions and my intentions. They were convinced that he was only marrying me to get into the US. I also got lectured on the fact that if we had children together they would not be white. I don't know what genetic miracle they were expecting, since Julian is basically European, by way of Argentina. I could not convince them that we wanted to marry because we loved each other and wanted to be together. It didn't matter where we were physically.
One thing that bothered me about that whole ordeal was that they kept saying that I hadn't known him long enough to be sure things would work out and they thought we should wait. On the other hand, my sister met her husband in April, I believe, and they were married in July. But that's fine, since he was a local guy and obviously white.
After all the years that I've been married to Julian, over 5 now, things are still strained between him and my parents. He's not entirely comfortable with them and vice-versa. Part of it is no common interests. The men in my family are, for the most part, interested in hunting and fishing and American football. These are things that Julian either knows little or nothing about or could care less about. So at family gatherings when the guys start talking about hunting or who won the game, Julian is not a part of those conversations.
Another thing -- this may just be my perception, but it seems that my mom has avoided coming to my apartment since I've been married. A little background: at one point in the past, I moved in with my then-boyfriend. We lived together for roughly 6 months before deciding that it wasn't working and both moving back home. My parents came over at least once during that 6-month period for dinner. In the 5 years of my marriage to Julian, although I've invited them over, they haven't come. The only times I can think of that either of them were here is: when we were moving in and needed help since I was pregnant, around Enzo's birth, Enzo's birthday parties, and one other afternoon.
All along, we've received more support from Julian's family in another country than from my own who are less than 20 miles away. That frustrates me, but it also makes me sad. I feel somewhat alienated from the rest of my family. They're all content here as part of the herd, maintaining the status quo, but I want more.
The other thing is the age gap between my sister and myself. She's 13 years older than me. Her oldest daughter will graduate from high school this May. I'm hoping my son will graduate to using the potty full time by that point. We're at totally different points in our lives. She's been married for over 20 years, owns her own business, has 2 practically grown daughters. I'm really just starting out. And the constant comparisons by my mother don't help, either. "You know, when Bev was your age..."
So to sum it all up: I want to move. I'm at the point that I don't care what my family thinks. They've been about as unsupportive of my marriage as one can be without picketing my front door. At least they didn't object at our wedding. I can honestly say that I think I will miss my friends more than my family. It shouldn't be that way, but I feel that I've been rejected for being different from them.
posted by carrie at 12/27/2004 12:55:00 a.m.
2 Comments:
You told me the story about your grandfather before. That's one thing we share: getting stuck in our hometowns for some period of time because of familial issues or obligations.
It's great that your mom liked it there. That's cool. I highly doubt that I could get any member of my family to visit us there. If they don't want to make the effort to drive across town, why would they take a flight to another continent?
And you're exactly right: it's my decision, not my mom's or my sister's. But there's a part of me that dreads telling them, because I feel another "family meeting" coming on. I told them we were planning to visit next year, and they're fine with that. But the kicker will be "we plan to visit and stay."
And I know that won't make them happy and they won't support my decision. What really hurts me is that when I was younger, my mom always told me that she'd support me, whatever I decided to do with my life. That's turning out to be a falsehood. I think what she meant to say was that she would support me in whatever I did as long as it coincided with her idea of what I should do.
It is like a knife in the back. Your family are the ones that you count on to be there for you through thick and thin. It feels like my family has turned its collective back on me because the path that I've chosen is foreign to them.
Man, that sucks.
What is it about the South that makes people so stupid? The "it's my way or the high way" mentality gets us nowhere. Except into arguments. I don't tell anyone else how to live their lives, because...guess what? It's their life to live, not mine. Regardless of whether I agree with their decisions, it's on them in the end.
So your mom was recommending your site, stopped when you moved it to Blogger because of the devil worship thing, and started again?
Is there something in particular that prompted her to make that type of statement? Is she afraid of something looking bad on her because she recommended the site?
There's a thing in the US called Free Speech. As I recall, it was so important to the founding fathers it was written into the constitution.
That being said, I think you were right to be pissed. You have the right to say what you want on your site, not what someone else wants to hear. I think that she should apologise to you and just drop it. If she doesn't like what you post, stop telling people to go see it. It's that simple.
This brings to mind burning books in Nazi Germany. Admittedly your issue is not that extreme, but censorship nonetheless.
Stand up for yourself. Be firm. She'll come around eventually...we can only hope.
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